He's Having My Baby
by LadyBow8
Summary: He's only had six crumpets in the past week and Granny hasn't sent him any more cookies, but Hatter wakes up with a particularly large belly and doesn't know what the hell is going on until Hare takes him to the Wonderland Hospital. Hatter x Hare
1. Chapter 1

**He's Having My Baby**

Part 1

They were running towards each other on a private beach, their silhouettes swift and vibrant across the sand. Hatter felt his heart pound as the distance grew smaller, when he felt his sparkling incandescent lover in a technicolor suit wrap his arms around him. The fuzzy warmth over his shoulder... the weight in his hands, the two perfect front teeth making for one unorthodox but passionate kiss. "OhhhGoddd," he said aloud. He proceeded to slide himself around over his mattress and caress his sides, knowing all the while that he was waking up from his dream. The scene dissolved in seconds. A silent black world was now his only reality as his eyes slipped open and closed. At this point, he stretched a little, his slender ungloved fingers landing on his stomach, where they froze. He scrunched his brow and looked down.

What the fuck was _this_.  
What _was_ this _fuckery_?_  
_  
Immediately he sprung up in bed. His hands continued to swish over the same beach ball-like protrusion that was _not_ last night but somehow _there_ this morning. He slid off the bed and yanked a string, thrusting the curtains open, and a sunny Wonderland day flushed onto his carpet, but his shadow was so startling he gaped at it."What in the world?" The moment the words passed his lips he paused, noticing an out-of-the-ordinary swirl in his stomach. Before he knew it, he was hurrying for the bathroom and tossing his cookies. When it was safe, he took a moment to lean over the toilet bowl. '_That...that's strange_... _I don't recall eating anything weird...'_

Within minutes his faithful companion, the Hare, was at the door frame of his bathroom. "Hare, how did you get in?" Hatter asked somewhat perfunctorily. He knew he had given Hare an extra key, but his persistent vomiting seemed to interfere with what logic he possessed. Before Hare could answer, he caught sight of Hatter's distended stomach.

"My Goodness! Did your grandmother send more cookies?" Hatter scoffed as if that was a completely preposterous accusation.

"No! What makes you say that?!"

Hare tented his fingers, thinking how he was going to backpedal out of this one. "It's just...your stomach is...You look different."

"Of course I look different! I'm hovering over the toilet puking my brains out!" The Hatter yelled, irritated by his friend's idiocy.

"No! Well, I mean, yes, you are, but when I say different I mean..." Hare resorted to miming a fat stomach with his gloved hands.

Hatter frowned. "Oh my God! What if I have some deadly disease?!"

Hare's nose twitched. "I'm sure it's not that. You've probably...overindulged, is all."

"I'll have you know that I haven't eaten more than six crumpets this week!" Hatter responded indignantly. As soon as he uttered that sentence he was once again worshiping the porcelain god.

Hare looked down at the ground groping for the right thing to say. "Hatter, have you been...the drink?" he asked awkwardly.

"I don't have a drinking problem! That's ridiculous!"

Hare had shrunk into himself just a little bit more each time Hatter shouted back to him. At this point, he was in the corner of the room with his arms crossed. "...I was just asking. I-I'm sorry." Hatter felt a tinge of guilt for being so pissy, even if he had a reason. He took a deep breath and grabbed some toilet paper to blot his mouth, and the bathroom was silent for a long moment. He swallowed sourly and stood up to use the sink.

"Really though... what're you doing here so early?..." He asked, reaching for some toothpaste.

Hares eyes averted to the wall. "Well... it's just... you said we should make a day out of planting some new stuff in my garden. I thought I'd surprise you and... make breakfast?" He bit his lip. Hatter brushed vigorously and thought about it... then spit.

"That's very nice of you..." He said in a semi-sweet tone. "But as you can see, I'm probably going to die soon."

"But Hatter!" Hare walked on up with his arms out. "That's not true! M-maybe we should take you to the doctor. It could just be a regular ole stomach ailment."

"_Geez_, and I thought you'd be more worried about this than _I_ am."

Hare frowned.

"Come on, let's go to the tea table and I'll take your temperature. A-a-and I want you to drink something. Then we can go to the Wonderland Hospital." Hare reached for his hand and lead Hatter down stairs. He was vaguely grinning because he kind of liked the treatment.

Moments later, a wacky-looking thermometer was sticking out of Hatter's pursed lips, and Hare was nearby looking at his watch. "Just a couple more minutes."

"Thanks Hare, you're a real pal," Hatter managed to get out without screwing around with the thermometer. They sort of smiled at each other.

Out of seemingly nowhere came young Alice. "Hi guys!" she chirped. They acknowledged her. She frowned when she noticed the thermometer. "Gee Mr. Hatter, what's wrong?"

"He has a bit of a tummy ache," Hare answered, conveniently leaving out a few details to preserve Hatter's dignity. As she approached, Hatter's protruding belly came into view.

"Oh no...Granny Hatter's cookies?" Hatter drew in his lips in annoyance.

Hare sighed. "No, already ruled that out. We also ruled out alcoholism. The only things left are a tummy bug or a deadly disease."

An awkward pause crept over the trio. Alice was the first to break the silence. "Maybe we should ask Mr. Caterpillar."_  
_

Just then Hare's watch beeped and he retrieved the thermometer from Hatter's mouth. "Hm...you don't have a fever. Maybe we _should_ ask Caterpillar."

Hatter sighed as Hare helped him up. The three exited the gate and disappeared into the brush.

* * *

When they arrived in front of the sagely green Caterpillar, he looked at them with his perpetually bored expression and waited for whatever problem they had come to him for. As Hare seemed too busy trying to get Hatter into a comfortable position on one of the mushrooms, Alice stepped forward.

"Mr. Caterpillar, the Hatter isn't feeling well and he's gotten really..." her voice dropped. "_Fat,"_ she stage whispered. The Caterpillar raised an eyebrow.

"Didn't this already happen?" He drawled.

Hare piped up. "Yes, but it isn't the cookies this time. We're sure of it." The Caterpillar seemed to ponder this for a moment.

"I don't know if I have any anecdotes for this."

"Well don't you have a story or something?" Alice plead.

"Nope."

He extended his three empty sets of hands and Alice's shoulders slumped.

"Guys, I don't see why we are talking to this giant caterpillar when we can just go to the godamn doctor," Hatter finally said.

Alice seemed horrified that Hatter had just slipped the g-word, but Hare quickly excused him. "Hatter's really not feeling well. It probably would be best if we went to the doctor. Sorry for the trouble..." Hare pulled Hatter up again and they shuffled back through the brush. Alice looked back to him once before following. The Caterpillar rolled his eyes.

"I rrrreally need to find some more independent frrriendsss..."

* * *

Hatter and Hare sat uncomfortably in front of Dr. Busby, that creepy guy with a million tongue depressors.

"So we're gonna need a urine test. To rule out that it's a urinary tract infection."

"Right," Hatter replied, glancing at Hare.

"The restroom is just down the hall, Mr. Hatter. Here's a cup."

Hatter reluctantly took the cup and glared at his surroundings, then stiffly walked out the door. The doctor turned to Hare.

"What **are**_you_ doing in here?"

Hare set down his issue of Better Homes & Gardens.

"I always come with Hatter to stuff like this."

"...You don't think there's anything weird about that?"

"No... I really don't." Hare's cute little almond-shaped eyes narrowed.

"Huhg." The doctor tilted his head at him.

A couple minutes later, Hatter came back with the filled cup and handed it to the doctor. "Okay. We will go run a test on it right now. I will probably be back in about 10 minutes, because we're fast like that and this is Wonderland."

Hatter and Hare nodded and the doctor left. They waited in anticipation, shuffling their feet a bit.

"So...do you think it's an...infection?" Hare tried to make conversation.

Hatter knitted his brow. "I really don't think it has anything to do with my..." he stopped abruptly before leaning towards the Hare, as if he were about to divulge a deep, dark secret, "penis."

His companion raised an eyebrow and quivered. "What else could it possibly be?" Hatter let out a pained sigh, unsure as to how he was supposed to begin this conversation.

"Hare, old buddy, old pal...I was watching the Hat Channel the other day and..." This was really obviously difficult for him.

"You were watching the Hat Channel and...?" the Hare prodded, trying to understand where this was going and how in the hell it was relevant to his friend's ailment.

"Sometimes they have public service announcements— y'know, like 'say no to drugs' and 'don't drive drunk'—"

"Yes, yes, I'm fully aware as to what public service announcements are," Hare cut him off. Hatter's face contorted into a perturbed expression.

"Hare, I'm trying to tell you something important here! Could you kindly shut the fuck up?!" Hare put up his hands in a placating gesture as he continued. "As I was _saying_, this public service announcement was about safe sex. Do you...do you remember when we...um..." Before Hare could answer, the doctor was back in the room. His expression was unreadable.

"Is it...bad, Doc?" Hatter asked, obviously worried for his penis.

The doctor sat down and inhaled. "It's like this..." You could have heard a pin drop.

"Oh God! It's not...cancer, is it?!" Hare gasped. The doctor laughed humorlessly, still seemingly unable to meet their eyes.

"No, it's not cancer." Their sighs of relief were short-lived. "Actually...I can't believe I'm saying this... You're pregnant."

The both of them gasped dramatically and held to each other's hands.

"...But. But how can that be?"

"W-...We're not really sure. It just is."


	2. Chapter 2

**He's Having My Baby  
****Part 2**

When each caught sight of the other, they shared a similar uncomfortable face, uncertain how best to confront the situation.

"You don't think... that... that..." Hare began.

"No. No of course not. I mean it's not for _certain_. ...It could've been a number a people."

"What?!"

The doctor just stood there and listened.

"I..."

"_You_..." Hare swished his arms around, desperate to hear words he maybe already knew.

"Well you know how I am."

Hare turned his face in a direction Hatter couldn't see so well and gulped. "Yeah, of course... you're right... it... could've been a number of people... like you said..."

"Well! Good luck!" The doctor interjected. Hatter and Hare just stared at him looking a mixture of lazy and pissed.

"But."

"Hey, if you want to sleep with everyone in Wonderland, _I_ can't do anything about it. I'm just a doctor."

* * *

The scenes cuts to a view of the hospital hallway. Hare emerges from a door and waits for Hatter, who wobbles out with both hands holding his belly. They sigh when they realize they have to find Alice.

"She's gonna wanna know the verdict, Hatter."

"Well no _shit_," Hatter replied, dropping his mouth into a pouty frown.

"... Maybe we should just tell everyone you're dying... you know.. until you're sure who the father is."

"Or the mother."

"Y-..yes..."

They reached the lobby and quickly spotted Alice sitting with a magazine next to a small potted flower with a heart-shaped "get well" balloon. Hatter frowned even more. He pulled Hare off to the side before they reached her. "Look. Just tell her I have AIDS."

"But Hatter... that's a sexually transmitted disease. It's going to come back to you rolling in Wonderlandian hay anyway."

"Okay fine, cancer."

"What kind?"

"There are kinds?"

Hare grimaces. "Why don't you let _me_ handle it, Mr. Beachball."

They came up to Alice and stopped, their shadows looming over her magazine. She slapped it closed and smiled hopefully at Hatter. "Well what did the doctor say?" Hare inhaled sharply as if he were just about to inform Alice that he had accidentally ran over her cat.

"Well, it's like this..."

Alice lifted her hand as if to say "go on".

"It's...gas. That's what it is," Hare said finally. Her face scrunched up in disbelief.

"Gas? Are you sure?"

"Yes, that's all it is," Hatter piped up. "Now if you'll excuse us, Alice, we have a little trip to take to Wonderland Pharmacy." He did a jogging motion as if to emphasize their need to skedaddle.

"Okay. I hope you feel better, Mr. Hatter," she called after them as they fled the scene.

* * *

After about half a mile they stopped to catch their breaths. Hatter stared directly at Hare. "Gas? Really? What the _fuck_ was that?"

"Oh, and your AIDS and generic cancer stories would've been sooo convincing," the Hare flapped his hands in annoyance. He didn't need this shit. "I mean, I-I-I-I would've loved to see you explain to little Alice as to how you contracted HIV," Hare continued mockingly.

Hatter elbowed him in the side. "Shut up! Those were the only diseases I could think of on short notice that didn't sound like total bullshit!"

Passersby were beginning to stare at the odd couple but they didn't appear to notice or care. "Well, now that we've lied to a little girl you realize we're going to have to convince everyone else also. Obviously we need to get rid of the baby," Hare started reasonably.

"_Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! _Where do you get off telling me to get rid of my baby?!" Hatter put his hands on his hips, utterly pissed at his friend and possible baby....daddy...thing. "Besides, I don't know of any abortion clinics in Wonderland, do you?"

Hare hesitated. "I could push you down the stairs. Or, actually, now would be a good time to develop an alcohol problem."

"Um. No. Listen, we're in deep shit here. We're up to our eyeballs. We just need to put our heads together and make an informed decision, especially with the baby coming—" Hatter stopped mid sentence and looked down to his round little friend. "Hare..."

"What?" Hare answered, instinctively placing his hands on Hatter's shoulders.

"I don't wanna have the baby _before_ I know whose it is!" He whined.

"Ohhh, Hatter. Well... we just need to round up who exactly has been sleeping with you and ... oh hell... I don't know... call up Maury?"

"But... but... I really don't wanna talk about who I've been sleeping with."

They reached Hatter's house and quickly entered, approaching the stairs to sit in the attic, but Hatter didn't appear to be making it. Hare carefully lead him to a seat where they were and he breathed laboriously. When Hare had reached the window, he took a sour gulp and gathered his thoughts.

".... Are you too afraid to tell even me?" He asked, still with his back turned.

"Well..." Hatter began, figuring now was a better time than never. "It... it's not a lot of _people_.. It's... mainly you," he explained, figuring it'd prepare him for the names to come. "And Tweedle Dee... a couple of times..." Hare whipped around.

"YOU WHAT?!" He screeched, his face flushed with pink. Hatter darted his eyes around. "I _knew_ it," Hare whispered to himself.

"And Dum..."

At this point, Hare rose his hands and tangled them in his hair as he continued to pace before the window.

"A few hot Wonderland women... you know... and men. …But I promise. Not caterpillar. I don't even think that's possible." Hare's pacing slowed and stopped. He clenched his fists and tried to count to ten inside his head. "But Rabbit..." Hatter began. Hare slowly turned in his direction, mouth trembling. "ONCE. ONCE!!!!" He struck his index finger at him for emphasis.

"H-Hatter... How could you?"

"I was curious! I'll never go back, I promise! He's_ terrible_ at it. Not to mention furry." Hare gasped. "I MEAN I LIKE FURRY. But not _that_ much." Hare bit his lip and crossed his arms. "Cute furry... like you know, maybe a pair of ears..." He immediately stopped with the mushy stuff once he realized he was doing it.

Hare didn't seem to have appreciated the comment as much as Hatter hoped he would. Instead, he hovered near the door.

"I... think I should give you your space."

"Oh come on, don't be like this."

"It's your baby and you have some things to think about, obviously."

"But... Hare... we always think together."

"N-not about stuff like this."

"But-"

"I'll try to handle the questions I'm bound to get from everyone else and you just rest. Y-you need it." He twitched his nose a little and lowered his head as he seeped out the front door.

"Wait!" Hatter hollered. Hare turned around to stare at him, unblinking. "Okay, first of all, we really have never had any other experience that could possibly compare to this, so you can shove that," Hatter paused to put on a retarded expression and voice, "_'N-not about stuff like this.'_" Hare raised his gloved hand in objection but Hatter went on, with a more solemn tone. "Besides, I honestly think, or, at least, I'm pretty sure, that you're the father."

Hare was gobsmacked. "What?"

"It's well known that you hares have a 41-42 day gestation period. How else could I have gotten pregnant this fast?"

"B-but...wouldn't the fact that you're a human affect that?"

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Well, duh! But still, there's no other _logical explanation_."

An awkward pause passed over them. "Hatter, there's really no _logical explanation_ for you being _pregnant_. You're a man," Hare pointed out as if this wasn't readily apparent.

"_How true that is_. However, I kind of fucking am, so there goes that argument. Captain Obvious."

"If your shitty mood is _any_ indication," Hare retorted, liking this less and less by the second.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hare. Next time we'll get you knocked up and you can see what a barrel of laughs it is!" Hatter squished his lips together and looked down sadly at his stomach. "How is the little bastard supposed to get out anyway?"

"With a wire hanger," Hare muttered. Hatter glared at him.

"My God, what if he's born with your ears? Or your teeth? I hope those genes are recessive."

"Better born with my genes than your dipshittery!"

Just then they noticed Alice who had wandered up to the door behind Hare. She seemed very confused, but neither gave her a proper welcoming; they just stared.

"You guys left me at the hospital," she finally remarked.

Hatter blinked a whole mess of times and switched the legs he was crossing. "...I-it's not that long of a walk."

"It is for a little girl without any _directions_!"

"Well, young Alice, you're the one that _comes here_ all the time."

As the quarrel escalated, Hare looked like a snake had slithered up his pants. Eventually the two were silent, waiting for him to pick a side.

"I-I need some tea if I'm gonna deal with this any longer."

He dashed past her and went for the teapots. Alice watched him in his desperate search of the table and looked back to Hatter. "...What's the matter with _him_?"


	3. Chapter 3

**He's Having My Baby**  
Part 3

It was 1:30 AM and Hatter was dragging himself out his bedroom door. He entered the kitchen and opened the freezer. The moment he saw the fun bubbly letters of "Chocolate Peanut-Butter" on the side of the ice cream bucket, he remembered how important this was. He pulled out a spoon from seemingly nowhere and started scooping it into his mouth, rolling his eyes back in euphoria. "Aghgh..." He uttered as the chocolate creamy goodness swept over the hot crevices in his mouth. Thank God he had gotten up...

Oh _Godddd_... this was so good....  
Better than it had ever been before...

He hobbled over to the nearest stool and continued to stuff his face. However, the spoon-to-bucket movement gradually slowed as he caught sight of a familiar picture of Hare on his fridge door. His eyes dropped to his...growth. It had suddenly dawned on him what had changed in those past 24 hours.

The simple care-free life he led had reached its concluding chapter. Now he had to raise Hare's child. Or probably Hare's at least. Whose ever child it was, he had never prepared for this kind of responsibility before. He thought the whole point of Wonderland was that you could shirk all obligations and do whatever the fuck you wanted.

_No more late-night tea parties... _he thought.  
No more bungee jumping, no more strip poker, no more dangerous Mythbusters stunts.... Oh, Adam...one of his heroes...

The second time he looked down to his tummy, he could have sworn he felt something resembling animosity. He sighed deeply and ate some more ice cream before returning to bed.

* * *

The next morning he was seen hovering over the tea table, yanking off cups and plates and dropping them into a tub in his other arm.

Suddenly the Cheshire Cat appeared.

"Why hello..... Hatter."

He chose not to respond.

The Cheshire Cat scrunched his face up in confusion, an emotion not often felt by the strangely-colored feline.

"Why, Hatter, cat got your tongue?" Hatter stopped what he was doing and looked at the Cheshire Cat with the utmost contempt, as if he was the most annoying thing that could possibly happen to him right at that moment.

"Shut up, Cat! I don't have time for your platitudes!"

"What do you mean you don't have the time? What else do you do besides have tea parties with Hare and watch the Hat Channel?"

Hatter turned back to his work. "None of your beeswax. Now piss off before I decide to euthanize you."

The Cat decided to try a different tack. "Here's another platitude for you, Hatterrrrr: did a bug crawl up your ass and die?"

Hatter had had about enough of the conniving little shit. He didn't even try to contain his irritation at this point. "_No_... A bug crawled up my ass and _lived_," he answered cryptically. "And I seriously wasn't kidding about the putting-you-to-sleep-thing." The cat put up his paws in a sort of surrender and disappeared without a trace. "Nosy little twat," Hatter muttered.

As if the entire world was against him that day, who was to arrive next but the baby-daddy himself?

Hare tented his fingers and his nose quivered. He had obviously come for a specific reason, but Hatter continued on ignoring his presence. His cold shoulder didn't seem to bother him all that much. "Hatter, d-don't you think that you should get an ultrasound or something? Perhaps take some folic acid? I don't know."

Hatter pursed his lips. "Hare, you can't be serious. This thing could pop out at any time! Damn your short-ass gestation periods! And, most importantly of all, fuck you!"

Hare put Hatter's mood down to hormones. "All right. We don't have to. Um..." he quickly went over a mental list of what you were supposed to do with pregnant women. "Steel Magnolias is on in five minutes. Maybe we can sit down and watch that and pretend that our lives aren't ruined."

Rolling his eyes, Hatter scoffed, "You're a real winner, Hare. NOT." Before they had a chance to fall into fisticuffs, Alice sneaked up behind them.

"Hi," she said shortly, startling them. Hatter had his hand clutched over his heart. "I think I know what's really going on."

Hatter quickly set down the tub of tableware that he had been balancing on Hare's baby and stared at her with an open mouth. Hare did nearly the same.

"H-Hi Alice," Hare began. "Okay, you caught us. We were going to hide the dishes today to see if anybody'd ask." Alice scooped her bottom lip into her teeth and slowly shook her head. She truthfully had no idea why Hatter had been putting all the stuff away. As the two men were still standing in their respective places with peculiarly straight posture, she strolled to a chair.

"Anyway... I just wanted to say that I overheard that you were having a baby, Mr. Hatter, and I for one completely support it. I'm okay with your lifestyle." She nodded a bit, then added shortly after, "actually I wouldn't have guessed any different!"

Hatter and Hare turned to each other with looks of horror.

"H-Hatter's not pregnant!" Hare approached her with open arms, although he would've preferred just to shake her. "Where did you get such an idea?" Alice's eyes accidentally landed on Hatter's mid section. "What, that little stomach problem he's having?! ...Oh Alice... I know it looks like when a Mommy is pregnant, but Hatter's a man, and as you've hopefully learned in school, men can't get pregnant." Hare nodded like he had said just the right thing. Hatter just scrunched his brow together even more.

"But you said it yourself! I was there yesterday! I thought it was pretty obvious I overheard, what with your talk of whose genes the baby was gonna get and all that..."

Hare's vibrant smile flopped downwards. He looked to Hatter again, wondering if there was any other way to insist this was a misunderstanding.

"Okay look, I'm pregnant. I don't know why, I don't know how, but if word gets out around Wonderland, I'm going to be humiliated for the rest of my life."

"If _word_ gets _out_?" Alice asked, her face filled with puzzlement. "You can't keep the baby in there forever. If you ever want to see your friends again, they're going to have to discover that you're a parent, Mr. Hatter."

"Why don't you shut up." He uttered pointedly.

"She has a point, Hatter..." Hare muttered. "We just want what's best for you," he continued. Alice voiced sounds of agreement.

"Besides, why wouldn't you think they'd be happy for you?" She asked.

"I don't know, because then they'd know I'm gay? And stuff? And that I'm biologically capable of having children? Oh yeah, that won't ruin my thunder."

"Why is it that you're worried about this and I think our friends will still love us no matter what?" Hare wondered aloud.

Hatter rolled his head around like that was the most obvious question evar. "_Becauseeeee._ You're the one that did the _knocking up_. Trust me: nobody thought you had it in you." Hare tensed his shoulders in offense before Hatter continued. "Besides, it's not a matter of whether or not they'll still love me..." Hare and Alice gathered closer to him as he slumped into a chair. "I just... well let's face it.... I won't be the Mad Hatter anymore...." Nothing at all about how he said that sounded angry or even slightly kidding. It was purely solemn. Though the expressions on his companions' faces become sympathetic, both were at a loss of words. Alice sat next to Hatter and patted him on the back in comfort.

"Mr. Hatter, just because you're going to be a dad— mom—parent, doesn't mean you can't be the Mad Hatter anymore," she looked over at Hare as if saying "Get your ass over here and start buttering this mother (no pun intended) up."

Hare caught on quickly. "She's right, Hatter. Just because there's going to be a new baby doesn't mean we still don't love you."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Wrong moral."

Hare looked on sheepishly but continued. "I mean, even though your penis is being negated, it doesn't mean everyone is going to hate you. Besides, it's not like they have room to _talk_. The Tweedles wear outfits that make MC Hammer look like Mr. T. The White Rabbit skates around like a poncey fruit loop... What I'm trying to say is...we all have a little gay in us."

Out of seemingly nowhere, 90s synthesizer music begins to play. Alice and Hare hop up and dance around a little bit.

"_You want to hide behind lies and / You don't think they'll understand / But we're all versed in the ways of Streisand_," Hare crooned, do-si-doing around Hatter who looks on with an unreadable expression.

"_Right here in gay, old Wonderland_," Alice and Hare chorused, complete with jazz hands.

"_Mr. Hatter, don't be shy / Everyone here is at least bi / You just really gotta try_," Alice sang, "_To let your inner-homo fly!_"

"_Right here in gay, old Wonderland,_" they sang in unison one last time before the song came to an abrupt end.

Hatter's spirits didn't seem to be even slightly lifted. "All right, so Wonderland is pretty gay, but I'm still fucking pregnant."

"Well, you know, I learned in school that male seahorses are the ones that carry the babies," Alice offered.

Hatter rubbed his face with the heels of his hands. "Seahorses, huh? Thank you, Alice. I feel so much better about my lot in life." Unexpectedly, Hare began to fume.

"I've had about enough of your whiny foolishness!" He screeched. "For fuuuuuucks sake, we've done like 10 episodes on making the best of things! Haven't you learned?!" Hare flailed his arms about.

"Well sure we have! But none of these lessons apply to _meee_! I have real _problems_ here!"

Hare's brow nearly fell over his eyes. "I'm really starting to see a side of you that I don't know." Alice, meanwhile, had no idea how to intervene. "As soon as stuff really gets tough... you're just gonna blow off your best friend and be a whiny, pessimistic dick to everyone? Even people who want to make you feel better, like Alice here." He caught Alice's shoulders in his hands and emphasized the innocent girl in front of him.

There was a brief thoughtful silence. Hatter patted his tummy a little and wet his lips.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Well! Then maybe we aren't going to talk to you anymore! Maybe you'll just have to learn the hard way!" Hare threatened, with some itching discomfort in the idea of not being around Hatter while he was carrying his little twatwaffle. Or... cockwaffle. Whatever it was.

"Fine. I don't need you anyway: you're the one that _did this_ to me. Some nerve _you_ have." Hatter scrambled up from the chair and yanked the tub of swishing dish ware with him towards the "in" door of his house. Hare glared. Once he had disappeared, Hare's shoulders slumped and he wandered near the fence sighing audibly. Alice approached him gingerly and patted his forearm.

"You tried your best..." She assured. "And you did the right thing. So in a way... you're already a great daddy."

She sent a big smile up to him and he couldn't help but flicker one of his own.

"...You wanna come by my house and get tea?"

"I'd love to." She replied surely.

So off they went, though Hare glanced back just once to the large hat-shaped house.


	4. Chapter 4

**He's Having My Baby  
**Part 4

Hatter sat on his sofa solemnly. For once the TV was turned off and he was sitting in the dark. He rubbed his belly absently and frowned. For the last hour and a half he has been ignoring the persistent knocking at the door.

"Hatter! Open up! I need to speak with you!" Hare pleaded.

Hatter scrunched up his face and finally shouted "Fuck off, Hare! I'm not home!"

"If you're not home then why in the hell are you talking to me from inside the house?!" Hare pointed out angrily. Hatter begrudgingly rose from the couch and opened the door.

"What the hell are you doing here anyway?"

"Well, I was just in the neighborhood and—" Hare began his flimsy excuse to have Hatter cut him off.

"So you decided to bang on my door repeatedly like some nutcase."

Hare huffed at that. "Look, I'm here because I was thinking...shouldn't you be visiting the doctor more frequently? Get an ultrasound?"

"My insurance doesn't cover doctor visits for knocked-up men," Hatter snarked. "In fact, the representative just laughed at me. Motherfucker. Anyway, I figure since this little critter is going to pop out of me one of these days we might as well be surprised." An awkward silence fell over them. "Which you know because we've already had this conversation," Hatter sniped, turning away from Hare.

"I'm just concerned is all. We don't even have a nursery or...where is the baby going to even live?"

"Well... I kind of figured it would live in my house?"

"Hatter... you don't have any room here."

"Of course I do... I've got a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen..."

"But the baby needs somewhere to sleep." Hare reminded him.

"Like I just said, I have a bedroom. And yes, a bed," he tried to say like Hare was going to ask a stupid question.

"You can't sleep in the same bed as your baby, you retard." Hare folded his arms, his glare growing more and more intense.

"Then I'll buy a crib. Hell, I probably have one in my attic already."

Hare looked up to the sky, almost frightened that this man was going to bring life into the world. He snatched away his glasses and massaged his eye sockets.

"...Why do you care, anyway? Whatever happened to 'You can learn the hard way'?"

Hare took a deep breath and let his chest fall before he returned his glasses and frowned at Hatter. "Because." There was a silence that made them both feel weird. "You have my child for crying out loud. I... I can't just ignore you. You need me. And more importantly, you might need me to take you to the hospital."

Hatter huffed and crossed his arms. "Yeah, so..."

Neither talked for a while. Eventually they both strolled to their respective chairs at the end of the tea table and lounged in thought.

"I never suspected in my wildest dreams this would be a chapter of our friendship," Hatter started.

"Really? It's in all the textbooks."

"I'm serious, Hare!"

"Yeah, well you were the one with the genius idea."

"What genius idea?"

"You know, that we start having... escapades in the attic."

"Oh, you're _right_ Hare, I'm such an _idiot_. I should have remembered to take my _birth control _pills."

"Well-." He stopped. There really was no reason why they would ever have to worry about a thing like this, and yet... he somehow felt almost disgusted with himself for all the fooling around he had done with his buddy. He just couldn't help it... he was... he was in...in l-...

The sexual tension could be cut with a knife. Before anything else was said they lunged at each other, crashing their mouths together...which took a few tries and different angles given Hatter's condition. They seemed to tango awkwardly into the bedroom, sated moans ruminating throughout the hat-shaped house.

* * *

An hour later they surfaced from their ferocious lovemaking and snuggled up under the covers. Hatter pulled what appeared to be a cigarette from behind the headboard. Hare raised his gloved hand in objection.

"Calm down. It's candy," Hatter snarked, though not with as much bite as before.

In the haze of the afterglow Hare decided to bring up their unfinished conversation.

"So...I noticed as we sort of danced," he made some funky gestures, "another door next to your bathroom. I never noticed it before."

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's just a laundry room. Since all my suits are dry cleaned I never had a use for it." He chewed his candy cigarette, not seeming to understand Hare's implication.

"So...why don't you turn it into a nursery?"

"I guess," Hatter replied disinterestedly. "What should we paint it?"

Hare pondered for a moment. "How about sea foam?" Hatter scoffed at this.

"Sea foam?! Are you serious?"

"What's wrong with sea foam?"

"No child of mine is sleeping in a sea foam room. That is just _bullshit_."_  
_

"All right, no sea foam. How about chartreuse?"

Hatter sighed, irritated. "Why green at all?!"

"It was just a couple suggestions." Hare shrugged, somewhat offended at being shot down. "...I just don't want to commit to a color when we don't know if it's a boy or a girl."

"Oh lord, don't tell me you take that shit seriously."

Hare glared up at him and yanked away the remains of his candy stick. "You know, I think sweets make you cranky."

"Oh?" Hatter asked like he had some nerve making such an observation. "So it wasn't enough to be my best friend _and_ my baby's father... you have to be my mother too..."

"Well what have you been eating lately? If it's the same stuff you normally eat when you're stressed; cookies and ice cream; then what I'm saying makes perfect sense. "

"How do you figure? You and I both know that's practically my staple diet _anyway_. Besides, I'm cranky because of _this_." He slapped his tummy, hard enough to make Hare jolt.

"Be CAREFUL." Hatter paused. A quirky smile worked its way up.

"You know... it's kind of cute when you worry about that thing." He tried, feeling awkward letting such affectionate things slip. Hare shriveled up in his place over Hatter's shoulder. "And..." He added, "We could always paint it coral." He arched his eyebrows. "So what if he have a boy. Any boy that lives in this house is going to be surrounded in 'gay' anyway."

Hare silently agreed in the end about that...

Suddenly the phone started ringing. Hatter placed his hand over his eyes. "You mind getting that?" Hare sleepily propped himself up and slid to the side of the bed to retrieve his pants, then walked to the phone and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hare? Is that you?" Tweedle-Dee's voice replied. Hare's posture straightened.

"Y-yeah. It's me."

A silence fell over them.

"Um... we were just curious... we haven't seen Hatter around for a few days and noticed his tea table isn't set.... so..."

"Oh! Yeah... Hatter's... out of town."

"And you... T-this is Hatter's number, isn't it? Or did I-..."

"No, it is." Hare paused. "Did I say he was out of town? I meant he was sick. And I'm taking care of him."

"Ohhh, that's no good. What's wrong with him?"

"... He... has the flu."

There was another really long and really uncomfortable silence. As it seemed Hare didn't feel like elaborating or even talking, Dee finished up. "Well, I hope he gets better soon. And when he does, tell him me and my brother would sure love a little tea."

"Right. Tea." Hare remarked suavely. He hung up the phone and hurried back to the bed, ker-plopping over the comforter. Both of them were pretty stupid sometimes, so this seemed like a completely convincing phone call.

* * *

A little later on, Hatter was trying to get his suit back in order. Hare noted how frustrated he seemed not being able to button up his vest or tuck in his shirt. He approached him and put a ginger hand on his shoulder.

"You don't seem very comfortable, Hatter." Hatter stopped a moment to give him an impatient stare. "I... think it would be kind of fun if you let me... and Alice maybe... take you out and get some maternity clothes. I heard Motherhood Maternity is having a 20% off sale."

Before Hatter could respond there was a soft knock on the door. The parents-to-be looked at each other quizzically. "W-who is it?" Hare called out, nose twitching ever so slightly.

"It's me, Alice!" she stage whispered. Hatter shrugged and opened the door. Alice made her way inside. She had something in her hand. The Hatter was about to ask what she was doing there when she answered for him. "I had extra time in art class today so I made an invitation."

Hare raised an eyebrow. "An invitation? An invitation for what?"

"Well, where I live we have baby showers for mothers-to-be," Alice explained. Hatter scoffed.

"We _knooow_ what a baby shower is, Alice. We're not some primitive tribe."

Alice frowned at Hatter's harsh words but went on. "Anyway, since your baby is due any day now I thought maybe we should have a baby shower and invite everyone."

"You realize we're trying to keep this under our hats here," Hare pointed out. Alice just smiled like he just said something very "special".

"You can't hide forever. What better way to break it to them?"

"Alice, I really don't think that's such a good idea," Hatter said matter-of-factly.

"Why not? You get free stuff!"

"Yes, I can just imagine the type of things our friends would give us," Hare mocked.

Hatter chuckled. "I know, right?"

She pouted, not appreciating their ingratitude very much. Finally Hatter said "Look, Hare and I were just talking about getting maternity clothes since I can't even button my shirts anymore. Wanna come?"

Alice's face brightened a bit. "Sure! But...think about the baby shower, okay?"

Hatter stared at her and blinked. "Sure."

Little did the pregnant duo know, Alice had a plan.

The two men and their 12-year-old companion reached the black mat of the Wonderland Mall where two automatic doors swished open in front of them. They entered all with different expressions. Hatter seemed tired from maneuvering across the parking lot, Hare seemed mildly pleased with the atmosphere, and Alice looked comfortably excited, like it was also a normal occurrence for her to take out fully grown men to pick out maternity clothes back at home. She grabbed Hatter by the hand and they started walking. He peered down at the interlocked palms and decided to just accept it. Meanwhile Hare followed idly as they searched for the right place, when finally a neon pink sign in loopy cursive that read "Motherhood Maternity" was above their heads. Hatter halted at the entrance and fidgeted a little, put off by the fuzzy warm interior of the shop. Hare and Alice exchanged knowing "he's just shy" glances and held to each of his arms, easing him inwards.

Hare twirled his gloved fingers over a peach lacy tank top and turned to Hatter, who was standing rather stiffly, crossing his arms. He gave a thumbs down and scrunched up his lips. Then Alice came up to him, with a light blue ruffled night gown. This disturbed him greatly.

Eventually Hare's optimism dwindled. "Come on, Hatter... don't you like at least one thing that we've shown you?" They surveyed the shop for Alice, who was deep in clothing racks and displays at the other end of the store. Hatter leaned in towards Hare.

"... I know that this is a big surprise... but just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm a woman-"

"Well I know that.-"

"These clothes are for women,-"

"I know-" Hare cut in sharply.

"-Well then what are we doing here?!"

"_Hatter_, this is the only place to find clothes that are comfortable for your... new figure." He gulped."Yes, much of this stuff is of the female persuasion but that's the way the cookie crumbles."

"Don't mention cookies..." Hatter grumbled.

Hare frowned and held Hatter by the arm as they sought out Alice. She had a collection of purple garments in her arms. "Oh, hey you guys! Look at all the stuff I found! I... figured you were a 10 in women's." She handed it off to Hatter, who barely acknowledged the weight in his arms. Hare patted him on the shoulder.

"Well, there's a fitting room right over there..." He pointed. Hatter's dead eyes followed in their direction until he spotted it himself. His shopping mates smiled him off warmly. When he approached the fitting room entrance, a short blond woman with manicured finger nails was at the desk. "How many-" she asked without looking. He realized he didn't know and looked down to count the hangers.

He sighed first. "...Eight," his deep voice replied.

Startled, she turned to the 6'3" or so man standing in the doorway. When she leaned forward to see if perhaps a woman was accompanying him, and no one was there, she narrowed her eyes.

"Is this some kind of joke?" She asked plain and simple.

Hatter seemed offended.

"I really wish it was."

They stared each other down.

"So I have eight, as I said."

"Can I... see those?" She asked sceptically. Hatter clutched them even tighter, realizing well that they hid the protrusion.

"I-I really just want to please my friends and get this over with so we can go home. Please just give me a number."

"I'm not giving a number to you."

"Why?! I don't remember seeing any 'no cross dressing' signs around here."

"But sir, you don't even need to try on these clothes."

"I agree! Really. We're on the same page here. But I've got a baby-daddy and a 12-year-old girl out there that want to pretend this is a normal pregnancy and I don't know how else to deal with it."


	5. Chapter 5

**He's Having My Baby  
**PART 5

"I've had about enough of you insulting my intelligence." The woman hissed.

The Hatter's face contorted into something akin to exasperated frustration. "Who the fuck do you think you are, lady?!" As the saleswoman began to respond Hatter snapped. He shoved the maternity clothes at her angrily. "You know what you can do with those? Hm? You can shove them up your fat ass!"

By now his companions had joined them, looking rather embarrassed at the attention they were receiving while trying to placate the pissed off pregnant man.

"With all due respect, Sir," the saleswoman's tone conveying anything but, "You're not exactly a Skinny Minnie yourself."

"Yeah, well, I'm pregnant! What's your excuse?!"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Or do I need to call security?"

Hare cleared his throat. "Er, that won't be necessary, Madam. We were just leaving." He placed a hand on the seething Hatter's shoulder and spoke in a calming tone. "Now, now. We don't need to cause a scene."

Alice's face had been fixed into a shocked expression up to that point.

They were now seated on a bench next to a fountain after having exited the store. "Hey, remember when you had the cookie problem?"

Hatter rolled his eyes and glowered at Alice. "Nooooo," he drawled out sarcastically.

Alice just went on as if she hadn't just been mocked. "Well, your clothes just seemed to stretch out as you got...larger. Maybe we don't need maternity clothes after all!"

Hare drew his mouth in. "Why the hell did we not think of this before?"

"I don't know, maybe the same way we didn't think out the fact that this gestation thing could point to Rabbit just as much as it could you." Hatter muttered. They all stopped speaking a moment. Alice's eyes wandered over to the baby a bit horrified.

"..You've been kissing Rabbit?"

Both the Hatter and Hare's eyes enlarged.

"Yes. It was an accident."

"How do you accidentally kiss that thing?!" Alice unbecomingly queried loud enough for passersby to hear.

"Curiosity killed the cat?" Hatter asked. A moment later, he ducked like at any moment the Cheshire Cat was going to make another grand entrance to say something unclever. When nobody new made the scene, he continued. "Look, we'll talk about it later. Maybe never, actually. But still, it's a possibility."

Hare huffed a little and looked down to his shoes.

"What's the matter with _you_?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

Hatter's lips squished. "Okay then?"

"Well, I guess we had better get back to your house." Alice finally suggested.

"Sounds good to me, my feet are killing me."

With that, Hare and Alice helped him up and they slowly went off.

When they returned to the tea table, who else but Rabbit came rushing by on his blades like he were escaping a bad encounter with the Queen. He double took as the trio crossed the fence, crashing into a nearby tree and laying there a while. Nobody even helped him up or turned around. Eventually he rose from the area and soared over looking perplexed.

Oh hey Ra-" Hare began. "Rabbitttttttt. Uhhhhh." He stepped in front of Hatter's belly. Alice quickly caught on and did the same.

"Wah-eghhi... Hello~~.." Rabbit tried. His eyes narrowed and he tilted himself to the side. Hatter's companions continued to hover around in front of him.

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Oh God, I don't know how much more of this shit I can take today."

Hare and Alice ignored him while deciding internally whether or not they should just cut to the chase with the Queen's lackey. They looked at each other, nodded, and then turned back to the very nervous looking White Rabbit. They both began to speak at the same time.

"I really don't know how to ask this, but—"

"Why did you kiss Mr. Hatter?"

The White Rabbit's eyes grew to the size of saucers. He looked from Hatter, who was looking extremely bored, back to his mismatched interrogators. "I...What?"

Alice decided to drop any pretense of being nice. "Don't play dumb with us. You know exactly what we mean!"

"W-What's this all about?!" the Rabbit looked to the ground as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Hatter chose that time to break out of his brooding. He got between Alice and Hare and pushed them aside to join the fold. "Well, it looks like the cat's out of the bag." He paused momentarily, hoping against hope that the damn Cheshire Cat wouldn't choose that time to appear. When he didn't he proceeded. "Look, I'm knocked up. Don't ask because I sure as hell don't understand this any better than you do. We're pretty sure Hare's the baby-daddy, but since you're both rabbit-ish you have similar gestation periods and, well," he chuckled humorlessly, "hey, maybe it's you."

The Rabbit waited for the part where this was some sort of sick joke. It never came. Nobody budged. It was difficult enough having to address that he had had sexual relations with Hatter, much less what he was to reveal next.

"That's...impossible. You see, the Queen had me...fixed, as it were."

Hare raised an eyebrow. "Fixed?"

Alice blinked. "You mean, like, when we had to take Dinah in to the vet so she couldn't have babies?"

"Y-yyyes... I mean, as you've noticed, I don't really wear any pants... most people don't do that if things are present..." He explained.

"Well, that rules out Rabbit I guess-" Hare was all too eager to decide.

"Now wait one minute. It's just as impossible that some egg was fertilized in my all male body. Maybe the small shreds of logic that Wonderland still possessed are finally gone." Hatter gulped.

"Hatter, if he says he had his balls removed, there's nothing more to it, now stop insisting that oversized bunny might be _my_ godamn baby's father!" Hare shouted. They all looked to him a bit surprised. "What? It's _my baby.._." He added.

"I never said I wanted it anyway." Rabbit began. Hare's eyes bulged. "I MEAN... i-i-if it's yours."

"The fact that we ever had to say 'if' at all is unsettling." Hare glared at their white furry friend and crossed his arms. The tension between these two was thick in the air.

"I-I know what you're thinking. I assure you, Mr. Hare, I have no interest in Mr Hatta~... All yours." He made shooing gestures with his dainty little gloved fingers.

"Oooohho, really."

"Can we please move past the fact that I had a fling with Rabbit? It's done and neither of us were serious, okay?"

Rabbit at first tried to nod, then he couldn't help himself from sifting backwards on his skates. "I-I had better return to the palace. Her highness has...tennis practice today."

"Oh wait, Mr. Rabbit!" Alice plead. His posture straightened.

"I think Hatter would prefer it if you didn't tell the Queen yet. He's still unsure about how to break it to the rest of Wonderland."

"Oh...whyyy-of course, I won't tell anyone." He grimaced at the three and rode off a little unsteadily.

Alice slowly turned up to Hatter. "You know, the Tweedles, Mr. Caterpillar, and the Queen are the only ones that don't know now..."

"Are you kidding me? That's more than half the people I know."

"Well...then maybe the baby shower is just what we need!" Alice replied brightly.

"Jesus, Alice! Haven't we been through this?"

"You said you would think about it."

Hatter scoffed. "Alice, the only reason anyone ever says that is so that they can end the conversation and hopefully make the other person forget about it!"

"Hatter, you can see how excited she is about it. Just let her do the damn thing. Everyone is going to find out anyway," Hare interjected. "Frankly, I'm surprised we've been able to keep it under our hat...no pun intended...for this long."

Hatter looked at his baby-daddy in disbelief. "You can't be serious?!"

"C'mon, Mr. Hatter. I promise I'll do a very good job. Puh-lease," Alice begged, putting on her best puppy face. At this point Hatter was somewhat feeling guilty about pissing on this girl's parade.

"Oh, all right," he relented. "I mean, what's the point of pretending that I still have my dignity anymore?" Alice squealed excitedly and attempted to hug Hatter which was pretty difficult. "At least there will be a stripper," Hatter murmured.

Hare sighed as if he were dealing with an incorrigible retard. "I'm pretty sure that only happens at bachelor parties."

"Oh yeah? And just how many bachelor parties have you been to?" Hatter asked mockingly.

"You're in a pretty odd position to be insulting my masculinity."

"So, should I add that all gifts be gender-neutral?" Alice's voice cut in. The quarrelers turned around to see her writing in a notepad that seemed to have come out of nowhere. They just stare at her a bit. "You don't know whether it's a boy or a girl yet, right?" she clarified.

"Well, no, but Hare and I sorta figured that any child we would have is probably going to be a homo anyway."

"We just don't have it in us to raise a butch child," Hare added.

"Pfft, speak for yourself! No child of mine is going to be some candy-ass nancy boy!"

Hare folded his arms. "You don't really expect me to dignify that with an answer, do you?"

"Okay," Alice raised her voice, "Ixnay on the gender-neutral thing. Gosh, don't you two ever quit?"

"I don't know, but I really really want to eat relish out of the jar right now." Hatter replied.

"Ewwww."

"I know."


	6. Chapter 6

**He's Having My Baby  
**PART 6

It had been a very long-ass day and Alice was upstairs in her room talking on the phone with her best friend Kim. With her free hand, she reached over to stroke Dinah laying lazily on the bed with her, and she stared ahead with a worriless, lazy expression. "Yeah, I sure loved that coat at the mall too. But I'm just gonna have to save up for it. I asked my mom and dad and they still need to come up with something I can do to earn it..." she explains, as if it's a real pain that she isn't just getting the money. She giggles at whatever it is Kim says and continues to listen.

A moment later, her smile drops. "I thought I told you already. I had plans." As she listens, she starts to glare at the other end of the room. "What do you mean 'that's not good enough'? We've been through this a million times." "...Friends sometimes have to do things that are secret, okay?! Real friends understand that and butt out!!" "... Look, Kim... Some important things are going on right now and I really don't have time for you to be giving me the drill on the usual bullshit. I don't have to explain where I am to you 24/7." "You know what?! Forget it! I was thinking one day I would tell you under the insane assumption that you wouldn't take me to the nearest psyche ward, but now I'm not so sure!"

She hangs up the phone and starts yelling at the nearby cat. "God! What a bitch!"

Dinah mews indifferently.

"Am I not allowed to keep some aspects of my life personal?! Nooooo, not according to Kim. Because she obviously tells me everything in the world, like how she crashed Christina's party without inviting me, and made out with Patrick behind the bushes in the playground. You know how I discovered that, Dinah?! Huh?!" The cat pauses a moment and then tries to jump off the bed but is caught mid-leap. Alice cuddles it violently. "That's right. I found out from Dana a whole 3 months later!"

"But enough about that. I have bigger fish to fry...like the Hatter's baby shower! Aren't these invitations divine?" she asked the cat as she shoved the handcrafted invitations in her face. Dinah blinked and reached out to paw at them. Alice giggled and set her back down on her bedspread. Then she frowned briefly. "Of course, it was really awkward having to explain to Ms. Mittermeyer about why I was making so many baby shower invitations with a pregnant man on the front. I just told her that it was a statement about our patriarchal society. She really liked that."

At this point Dinah was rolling around on her back and sort of clawing at the air.

With a determined air she tossed the invitations at her mirror and they miraculously disappeared through the glass threshold to Wonderland.

The Queen was in the middle of sampling a pitcher of lemonade when a glittery invitation landed smack-dab in front of her. "What is this fuckery?" she bellowed as she picked up the offending piece of paper. She unfolded it and skimmed it. Her eyebrows seemed to recede completely into her forehead. "RABBIT!" she screeched as if her hair was on fire. In a jiffy came the neurotic White Rabbit, skates and all with his own invitation clutched in his nervous paws.

"Yes, Your Highness?"

"What the hell is this?" she asked as she shook the invitation at him. The rabbit stiffened.

"I'm...I'm sure I don't know," he responded, nose a-quiver.

Dissatisfied with his answer, she jerked her head back towards the letter and skimmed it again, then squinted at the fun curly letters. Her lips mimed "baby shower".

"Is this some kind of joke?!"

Rabbit skated to her other side and stroked the fur below his chin a little. "N-n... why ever would you think such a thing?"

"Because! You know the Hatter and Hare. They're always coming up with ridiculous bullshit."

"Yes, but.. as you can see..." He tried, pointing to the end of the letter. "It's from Alice. Alice would never lie." She paused once more to read everything on the letter that she possibly could and then glanced up at the sky. I-I-It wasn't even exasperation at this point. She was genuinely perplexed with the world around her. Rabbit caught her by the arm and tried to lead her towards her thrown. Eventually she was seated, with the letter on her lap. Rabbit was tidying up a table nearby. "RABBIT!"

He fell over his work area and speedily replied, "yYYyyesss?!!"

"Bring me the telephone. I want to call Alice and ask if this is authentic."

"Uhhh... but Your Majesty..." He swayed towards her. "You can't." She widened her eyes at him. "I MEAN.... it's... impossible... Alice isn't in Wonderland... and... and..."

"Oh hurumph."

"But... but... I'm sure she plans to visit soon-"

"No! I've got a better idea. Bring the Hatter here. He has some explaining to do."

Rabbit looked like he wasn't so sure that was a good idea. "...I.... alright." He returned his attention to his feather duster and continued to pat the Queen's stuff with it.

"I MEANT NOW." The Queen impatiently had to explain. He picked himself back up from the floor on which he fell and took a deep breath.

"Of course..."

He swayed out the courtyard.

When Rabbit reached the gate of 1602 Teapot Terrace, Hare was sitting out by himself looking drained with a cup of tea in hand. "Hare!" He called to him. Usually Hare would've come hurrying up to let Rabbit in, but he really didn't look inspired to take his reclined feet off the table today. Eventually Rabbit was standing next to him as he stirred and sipped listlessly. "Are you... feeling alright?" Hare paused to think about the question put in front of him.

"... Not really." There was silence for a few seconds. "No." He repeated to drive the point home.

"...Well where's Hatter?"

"He's... inside. Taking a nap."

"Oh, well, I-"

"I told him oysters wouldn't taste good in an omelet but he insisted. A couple hours later I was sprucing up the place and he got sick from the smell of Windex. I paid $4.75 a pound for those godamn oysters and now it's straight down the toilet. Literally. ......I may as well have tossed my life savings down that toilet... ahgheoghgh..." He began to weep even before his face met his palms. His shoulders shook as he moaned to no one in particular.

"...I-I-It's not about the oysters, is it?" The White Rabbit exhaled shortly.

"No."

Meanwhile, the Tweedles swaggered by, twin invitations in their hands. "Hey," Tweedle Dum piped up. Hare and Rabbit acknowledged them.

Tweedle Dee offered his invitation to Hare. "Why is Hatter celebrating becoming a fatass again?" Hare took a brief respite from his self-pity and cautiously took the invitation from Tweedle Dee's hand. He stared at it for a bit before his face scrunched up into disbelief.

"Oh, God."

As if on cue, Hatter strolled leisurely up to the impromptu party of four. "Hare, I thought I asked you to—What the hell is that?" he asked, indicating the piece of paper Hare held in his hands limply. Before Hare could answer Hatter snatched it away and stared at it. As soon as he was finished his lips were so squished together it seemed like they were in danger of bursting. "Oh, my God! I didn't think she was serious!"

Rabbit decided this was a really good time to bring up his true reason for being there. "Um...H-Hatter, the....Queen... requests...well, demands, actually, your presence."

Hatter frowned. "What for?"

"Incidentally, she wants to know why you sent these out."

"I didn't. I think that was pretty well-implied when I said 'Oh, my God! I didn't think she was serious!'. I'm just as surprised as she is!"

Hare scoffed at that. "Hatter, you know she really wanted to make this baby shower happen."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Tweedle Dum interjected. "Baby shower? What?"

"You mean, you're not having a party because you're fat again?" Tweedle Dee asked sounding positively dumbfounded. Hatter looked quite offended at the implication of his size, even though it looked like he was smuggling many kilos of heroin over the border.

"No! I'm having a baby, you fuck-knuckle!" he retorted as if that were more dignified than being obese. The Fates were clearly against the Hatter that day because the Queen happened to be walking towards them just in time to hear his confession.


	7. Chapter 7

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Hey. I have no idea who in the hell even likes this story at this point, but I figured I would get the message out there anyway. Two things. 1. This part is pretty short. I've been busy and so has my co-writer and we agreed it had a good cliff-hanger, so good enough. 2. Please do the AIW fandom (and yourself) a favor and vote for the show's DVD release on _tvshowsondvd . com _(minus spaces) We raised the rank from 205th to 172nd. This site has contact with the companies. Do it do it do it, if you care about its DVD status at all. Nothing's getting done unless every last one of you votes, because they add up. Thanks for reading, and thanks even more if you keep up with this ridiculous fanfiction of mine.

* * *

**He's Having My Baby** - PART 7

You could hear every cricket ceasing its song to say "what the fuck?"

"The Queen is right behind me, isn't she?" Hatter deadpanned. The Queen still wasn't quite sure she was seeing what she thought she was seeing.

"Okay, for the sake of argument, I'm gonna pretend that this isn't eleven kinds of fucked up," the Queen began. "How did this happen?"

"Well, Your Majesty, when—" Tweedle Dee started, but the Queen put up her hand in protest.

"Are you a knocked-up white guy with a hat? No? Then sit down and shut the fuck up!"

Tweedle Dee raised his hands in defeat and did just that. Hare, feeling a bit more like the martyr than ever before, chose to speak up. "It was me, Your Majesty."

"Wow, Hare. I didn't think you had it in you."

"I know, right?" everyone said in unison, much to the Hare's annoyance.

"Yes, please, continue to insult my masculinity. It's not _old_ yet or anything."

Hatter sighed heavily. There was really nothing else to say, except "Well, since everyone is already here I guess we can have that baby shower."

Hare seems embarrassed about the whole ordeal now that it's actually happening and the Queen knows they've been having sex. He coughs loudly for Hatter's attention. "Well, we _could_...except...Alice isn't here. And she's the hostess."

They all murmur "oh" and seem like they will soon wander off, much to Hare's hope, when suddenly the little girl makes her way along the fence and stops at the gate. "Hey you guys. Did you all get my invitations?"

Hare buries his face in his hands. By now Hatter just pats his tummy like it's always been there and waits around for his life to get even more fucked up.

The rest of them stare at her. She lets herself in and stands next to Rabbit who crosses his arms and awkwardly smiles to no one in particular. "...What's, uhh...what's...You guys feeling okay?"

"Actually, I could really use a pillow for my feet. Wouldn't mind sitting if that's okay with you," Hatter remarked. Hare and Rabbit awkwardly helped him into a chair at the tea table and propped up his legs. Rabbit gestured towards the house. "I'll be right back with that pillow." He glides through the door. Everyone is still suspiciously silent.

"Yeah, so anyway, everyone's thrilled about the baby," Hatter adds. He would normally reach for a cup of tea, but the whole table is bare. "In fact, I was just saying that we might as well have a party now since nobody's doing anything and the magic hasn't worn off."

"Oh...well, sure! I mean, if you're all really that free. It wasn't supposed to be till Thursday, but..."

"Yeahhhhh, but as you can see, I'm as big as a parachute. I could go into labor any second now, and..."

Dee and Dum, who're standing at his side, for some reason retract a little.

"Weee...uhhh..." Dum begins.

"We need to run back home and bring you a gift," Dee fills in for him.

"Right." Dum nods very unconvincingly.

They slowly walk away.

Just then, Rabbit comes back out with pillow in hand, noting that the only ones left are Alice, Hare and the Queen, and Hare seems to be receiving a rather uncomfortable stare from her.

"Heeea's that pillow for you, Hatter." After a pause, he rolls up to situate it.

Hatter shifts into a more comfortable position. "Well, this is usually the part where everyone gives me presents for the baby. Well, the Tweedles said they were going to get me something, but we all know they just wanted to get the hell out of Dodge." It was as if he was commentating a senior center's chess tournament.

This was obviously not going the way Alice had envisioned, but she had to make the best of it. "Mr. Rabbit? Why don't we go make something in the kitchen?"

Rabbit was more than happy to oblige. The Queen wasn't all that excited about the prospect of hanging around the Daddy Duo. "I'm just gonna go make sure they don't set themselves on fire or something." And she made her exit.

Hare sighed raggedly. "Do we really have to go through with this farce?"

Hatter's control over his pregnancy hormones ended abruptly. "This isn't about you, Hare!"

"The hell it isn't! I helped make that thing, and I can...break it just as easily." Hare realized in mid-sentence what was wrong with applying that cliché to their situation.

"I think it's a bit late for the 'push-'er-down-the-stairs-and-hope-for-the-best' trick, don't you?" Hatter snarked.

"Obviously. I mean, you're bound to burst like a galvanized melon at any second. I still do wonder how it's supposed to come out. I personally envision Chestburster a la _Alien_."

"That's only because you like to see me suffer," Hatter retorted.

"A little," Hare admitted. "But you can hardly fault me for that."

Hatter's expression softened. "I know. It's just—"

"Who wants Snickers pie?" Alice chose that time to emerge from the kitchen, her tone a little too perky for that moment in time. The Queen and Rabbit sort of hung around behind her.

"I would love a piece," Hatter says. They start cutting for him. The Queen suddenly starts fuming.

"How the _fuck_ did you get Hatter pregnant?!" she shrieks at Hare, who shrivels into himself and flicks his fingers about.

Hatter innocently cranks his neck in Hare's direction. Alice and Rabbit are silent, the paper plate with Hatter's pie on it in mid-delivery.

"I...I..."

The Queen's eyes are bulging out of her head.

"I..." he repeats. "Well, it all started when..."

"You don't need to answer that question, Hare," Hatter cuts in. "She knows how it's done."

"I know how it's done between a capable man and woman, not two...freaks!"

Rabbit gasps."Yo-a Majesty! You're not homophobic, are you?"

"It's not about homophobia, you fucktards!!! Whether or I support this relationship or not, they CAN'T have a baby!!!"

Hare bows his head shamefully.

"But, Your Majesty..." Alice begins.

"Quiet, child," The Queen cuts her off. "Now this has gone on long enough. You aren't actually pregnant. This is a joke! Ha-ha ha-ha! Now I order you to stop!"

Hatter's mild smirk suddenly drops. He pushes away Hare's hands, which are nervously approaching his shoulder, and gets to his feet, looming over his ruler like nobody's business.


	8. Chapter 8

**He's Having My Baby – Part 8**

"You order me to stop? W-which part do you want me to stop? Do you want me to stop the part where there is a human being or a hare or whatever it is growing in my nutsack?"

"I don't think it's growing in your nutsack, Hatter," Hare tries.

"Do you want me to stop the part where I've gained 20 pounds? The part where I can't even get up without a pain like lava running through my swelled legs? The part where I throw up over the most unpredictable things? Oh, or maybe you want me to stop the fact that my life has changed forever, all because I had too many romps with Hare in the attic. Because I'd take it back if I could. Really."

The Rabbit bites his lip and tries to pat the Queen's shoulders, who's speechless. Hare decides to stick by is partner.

"I-If I had ever known what could happen, I would've been ten, no, a million times more careful. The truth is, we don't know how he got pregnant, either!"

"Well!" The Queen finally starts. "Obviously one of you has been a woman all along." She narrows her eyes at Hatter. Hatter's jaw drops.

"Even if you were right, it wouldn't be me."

Hare has enough of his dignity intact to sputter. "You are not implying that I'm the woman here!"

The Queen raises an eyebrow. "Was that question rhetorical?"

Hare tightened his fists, looking like a disgruntled post office worker ready to snap. "I impregnated him! They were my swimmers that swam into his...male equivalent of a uterus and fertilized his eggs! Not mine! Why doesn't anyone take that into account?!"

Hatter looked more pissed off than ever now. "This isn't about you, Hare! Why do you have to keep making this all about you?! Hm?!"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about! I've had less screen-time in this fucked-up version of a feel-good family comedy than just about everyone!"

"Oh God, he's pulling out the movie metaphors now," Hatter said to no one in particular, rolling his eyes melodramatically.

Gnashing his teeth, Hare began to seethe: "You know what? You won't have to listen to my movie metaphors anymore! No one will! I've had enough of this shit to last a billion lifetimes!"

Hatter's expression drooped a little bit, though he was trying to hide it. "What do you mean? You're leaving Wonderland? Where the fuck would you go anyway? Detroit?"

"No, I'm not leaving Wonderland. I'm leaving this life! Sayounara, dickweed!" Hare breathes deep and hops over the fence, disappearing into the brush. Hatter's too shocked to move, the Queen would never run (unless she was being chased by a robot, but that was a one time thing), and the Rabbit isn't about to go through unpredictable terrain on his blades, so Alice is the one to chase the poor bastard.

He reaches the clearing near the bridge and starts sobbing to himself, all the while staggering up the wood planks, his clutch on the railing whimsical at best. The Tweedles happen to be nearby fucking around now that they've ditched the party, but from the distance aren't really sure what the hell Hare is doing.

His teardrops splatter into the surface of the water and distort his reflection as he leans over the side. (yes, without breaking it) A shuffle in the bushes redirects his attention to Alice who has come after him.

"Don't come any closer!"

"...I just wanna talk to you, Mr. Hare! ...The same way you always talked to me about _my_ problems!"

He gulps nervously, glancing once more down the side of the bridge. "No.. No, Alice... I want you to picture a little speed boat out on the ocean... and then I want you to picture the Titanic... rolling by... inspiring even the tiniest wave to just come in and take out that speed boat like nothing. That's what your problems are. Always, with these ridiculous problems. 'Ohhhh, my friend won't come to my party,' 'ohhh, I can't finish my homework,' 'ohhhhhh..."

"Mr. Hare... you're scaring me. You don't sound like yourself."

He inhales sharply. "Well you know what?! Wonderland is reality! Things are actually tough over here!"

"What do you mean?! Nothing tough over here, it's easy!"

"Oh! Is that all it is to you? Then I guess it won't matter if I just off myself right now."

"...I don't want you to kill yourself. Nobody does."

"You've seen the way they treat me! Of course they do!"

Finally the Tweedles come forth.

"You guys, what the hell is going on?" Dee questions.

"Just _**QUIET!!!**_" Hare screams. "I can't concentrate!!!" He gulps at his reflection again.

"Please, Mr. Hare, not on the day of Hatter's baby shower!" Alice pleas.

"As if he even needs me! He's been nothing but abusive to me since that thing came to be! Almost like he's ashamed of what we had! Like he's trying to convince himself he hates me, and it workeddddd...ohghghgh godddd...."

All of a sudden, early 90s synthesizer music starts up again, though it's a little more forlorn than usual. Alice steps back and starts to sing "Suicide is not the answer—"

"**Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!**" Hare yells hysterically, stomping his feet for emphasis. "For God's sake, my suicide is not going to be punctuated with a retarded song! I should get at least that!" And with that the music stops abruptly and Alice looks more freaked out than ever.

"Do you really want a little girl like me to see someone die?!"

"You're what? Twelve? You'll get over it," Hare brushes her off.

"Hare?" A new yet familiar voice joins the chorus. It is basically the last voice Hare wants/needs to hear right now. "Come now, we can work this out, hm?" Rabbit says rather feebly.

"I thought you of all people would be planning a fucking Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade to honor my death! Now you can have that bastard all to yourself!"

"But Hare, you've got it all wrong! I don't want to be with Hatta~! I don't!"

Hare snorts. "Sure, that's what you want me to believe, you filthy little homewrecker!"

"Oh Hare, I just, I know how you feel." Hare's body stiffens and he gawks at Rabbit as if he's just said the most offensive thing in the history of the world.

"I don't think you have even the tiniest idea of how I feel right now! Nobody does! Moreover, nobody cares!"

"If nobody cared, we wouldn't even be here," Dum points out.

Everyone sort of gives him sidelong glances before getting back to the bigger issue. Rabbit tries again. "Hare, though we all act as if we have the emotional range of a teaspoon, we all have our bad days. Days where you just don't even want to botha~, or wonder what the point of your life is. I mean, look at my life. I'm basically an indentured servant to this shrew of a woman and I have barely any time for a social life or my hobbies, other than skating of course."

Hare's beady eyes narrow. "You certainly have enough time to knock boots with Hatter!"

Rabbit blithely ignores this comment and continues on with his little motivational speech. "The point is, if anyone has the right to be suicidal around here, it's me." The group hanging around the bridge all mumble in agreement.

Hare sighs. "You might be right." He nods to himself. "No, you're definitely right. You should come up here. Stand next to me." Rabbit looks to the others for reassurance and carefully rolls up towards Hare. He reaches out his gloved hands for Hare's to hold.

"We can-"

"Jump together? That's exactly what I was thinking. And Hatter... well now he won't get either of his toys!"

"Hare, I'm not his toy. I explained this innumerable times."

"I know you are. You don't have to hide it anymore in our last moments."

"Okay, I really must say that at this point it sounds like you just fantasize about the idea of me and your best friend in the bedroom,-"

"Come on you guys, this is getting kind of tiresome," Dum interjects. Hare jerks his head around toward Dum.

"Oh yeah, jackhole? Why don't you come up here and kill yourself? See how easy it is!"

"Oh, because you already demonstrated how easy it is?"

"DUM, for god's sake," Dee breaks in, "don't encourage that nutcase! What if he throws Rabbit over first?!"

"Somehow, I don't think Rabbit would have that many regrets..." Alice thinks aloud.

Just then, the Queen and Hatter finally make the scene after taking a stroll through the forest.

"Oh, so this is where you all went." Hatter notes.

"We're KILLING OURSELVES, so you just STAY OVER THERE, ASSHOLE." Hare shouts.

"We're not killing ourselves, REALLY!" Rabbit corrects. Hare's face drops.

"Rabbit, I thought we were doing this together."

"N-... you were the one that wanted to off yourself. I'm fine living in the shithole a few more years."

"But that was before I rethought it! I don't want to be that one guy that jumped off the bridge alone! At least if I do it with you, people will remember it happened. H-Hatter might remember."

"-Huh? Remember what?" Hare smacks his forehead. It's noted that he's still hovering over his doom. "Hare... would you please stop being so damn melodramatic?" Hare looks to Hatter with watery eyes.

"I-I-I can't believe you would say that to me in this type of situation. And Rabbit... all pumped up and ready to go..."

"I don't want to kill myself, Hare." Rabbit repeats. Alice darts her eyes around.

"Well, you guys... as long as we're here... I may as well kill myself too!" she says, completely unconvincingly. She steps onto the bridge and clutches Rabbit's free arm. She gives Dum a "get the fuck up here" stare and he obeys.

"Well if you and Rabbit are gonna go, I really don't see the point in living. No offense, Dee, you're just not that fun as one person."

To be continued...


	9. Chapter 9

**He's Having My Baby – Part 9**

Dee narrows his eyes. "Yeah, well if my own brother's deserting me, I guess it doesn't really matter what I do with my life after this." He steps on to the bridge as well. Hare begins to huff and puff a little as his friends crowd about him in his time of despair.

"Do you see what they're getting at, Hare?" The Queen pipes up. She steps forward, away from Hatter as he holds his belly and looks on to the four crowded on top the bridge. "Every one of us is part of a friendship, even you. A friendship where we need _all_ of the components to function. And when you have true friends, all it takes is one person upset, and the whole _group_ is upset. In this case, they're all going to kill themselves."

"I'm really not going to do it," Rabbit tries one last time.

"None of us are _actually _going to do it, is what Mr. Rabbit means," Alice corrects, "But even he would be part of that chain reaction, if you actually followed through, Mr. Hare."

"No, I really wouldn't. We're not that great of friends, and, you know, I-I-I-I... I... I would get over it."

Hare blinks a few times and frowns.

"Don't listen to Rabbit," Dum tries, "The Queen has a point. The group really would be broken without you."

"Yeah, I mean, we _need _you to make retarded near-sighted remarks," Dee adds.

"That make _us_ feel better about ourselves!" Alice chirps.

"Yeah, I mean, just looking at you makes me feel ten times better every day!" Dum finishes.

"Okay, yeah, that's kind of what I meant, but let's steer this in a different direction, okay?" Dee finishes up. They all turn to make sure Hare's feathers aren't too ruffled. He's still frozen over the railing, puffing through his nostrils.

"You know, um," Dum starts up again. "What I find particularly useful about Hare is that he always has just what we need in his coat pockets."

Everyone on the bridge fervently agrees.

"I mean who's gonna have the pears or the bananas or the zucchinis when we need them?" Dum continues.

"I wouldn't... use the zucchini if I were you." Alice mentions. Everyone's chatter suddenly dies down.

"Wow, Alice, I never thought you would go there." Dee says.

"But she has a point..." Rabbit finally voices. "I cahn't tell you how many gay jokes we've had the pleasure of sharing."

"It just wouldn't be right to make fun of a dead gay guy..." Dum trails on.

"Especially one that invited us to so many tea parties," Dee tries, again, helplessly.

"Those were technically _my_ tea parties, you guys." Hatter raises a finger in the background, but they don't seem to be paying attention.

"Well you've invited me to many tea parties at your home, too, Mr. Hare," Alice continues. "And they were all lovely and special in their own way because of you. You even give me cookies to take home... Hatter's never done that. He's too damn selfish to give up cookies."

Hare continues to clutch the railing and stare off in space.

"Lastly..." Hatter steps forward. "Who in the _hell_ is going to help me raise this baby?! I can't do it alone! You guys _know _me! I _can't_ do this!"

Everyone nods solemnly.

"Although when you think about it, Hare's not really equip with the material or emotional tools to raise a child either, I-I... I would say. " Rabbit tries.

"Okay, seriously, Mr. Rabbit? If you're not going to be constructive, just go. We all know you can't stand Mr. Hare, but _really, _making comments that could drive a man to actual suicide? Not cool."

Rabbit looks to Alice incredulously. He wets his lips with his tongue and wrings his hands.

"Rrreally, Alice, I would have been back at the palace taking a bubble bahth by now if Hare were threatening suicide for any other reason, but I really must interject for the child's sake when I say you all know these two couldn't possibly father.. a... a... a real little boy or girl, right?" Suddenly the Queen starts flailing her arms about.

"No _shit_, they are not competent to raise a child alone! Hell, the two act like little children themselves! Obviously it's going to be a group project! The point is that whatever's in Hatter's belly _deserves_ a father. When it comes to the rest... we've just got to make lemonade with our lemons."

"Where the hell does lemonade come into any of this?" Hatter suddenly asks.

They give him bedraggled looks and turn back to Hare, taking note of his posture and expression. Whether he has been following this conversation or not is unclear. The group all sags their shoulders when suddenly Hatter sinks into himself and buckles his knees.

"What's wrong, Hatter?!" The Queen hovers around him in alarm as he rocks back and forth like he's holding in going to the bathroom. Hare's vacant eyes suddenly blink to life at the sound of his buddy moaning on the ground.

"I... I... I think my... ghghh... what do you call it..."

"You're having the baby?!" Alice asks.

"NO, no, _**NOOOO**_." He screams in her general direction without looking up.

"I think his water broke!" Dum points out. The group stares at him in realization. "And I never thought I would have to say something like that."

"AGHGH, well what in the name of JESUS are you doing just standing there?! Help me up! Help me_ up!" _

"You need to take him to the hospital!" The Queen suggests. The Tweedles rush past Hare and rest Hatter's arms on their shoulders. Everybody else is sort of bustling about the trio.

"I've got a car parked just down this way!" Dee shouts, pointing in a random direction.

"But what about Hare?!" Alice tries again, hoping she's not asking a stupid question.

"Who gives a godamn bloody hell about him?!!!" Hatter screams as they lug him off, curling his fingers in the back's of the Tweedles' shirts. "If he doesn't love me or my child, then consider this friendship over! And thanks a whole fucking lot for ruining my life! Asshole!"

Alice frowns as the group scrambles off. She turns back to Hare, who she finds, to her surprise, sauntering lifelessly down the bridge. His mouth is agape, his face is pink, and his hands are dangling at his side with nothing to do. They look each other in the eye for a second and he moseys past her, in the direction of his now ex-lover. Alice catches up to him and clutches his hand, leading him to the others.

When Hare and Alice emerge from the bushes, they're hurried by the Queen and Rabbit into the car without so much as a goodbye. Before Hare knows it, he's squished next to a harshly inhaling and exhaling Hatter, closing the back door whilst they roll away. The Queen and an apathetic Rabbit standing together grow in distance behind the car as they rush towards a stop sign and Dee accidentally hurls everyone forward when he hits the break. Out of protective instinct, Hare clutches Hatter's wrist and lets go before it gets awkward.

"Okay Hatter, we're going to practice our breathing-" Alice says from the other side of Hatter, swishing her hands around. Hare can't believe this is fucking happening.

"_Our_ breathing?"

"Yes! We'll do this together! 1, 2, 3, breathe!" Hatter obeys. "1, 2, 3, breathe!" He obeys again. "You're doing great!"

"Okay good, but I don't see the point in th-"

"1, 2, 3, breathe!" Hatter inhales sharply when Tweedle Dee makes one hell of a turn and sends them all to their left. Hare sways into Hatter on accident and tenses his shoulders.

"Hey! Watch where you're being swayed!" Hatter orders. As the car swerves to its destination and Alice helps Hatter stay composed, his embarrassed ex-companion shrivels into himself and feels his eyes suddenly pack with fresh tears.

"Dee, you made the WRONG turn! Go around _that_ way!"

"1... 2... 3... "

"_Oghghgh Goddd..." _Hare projects in a raspy wail. They all fly forward at another stop sign and he feels his arms, beyond all his control, protect Hatter again. He lets go as quick as he can and keeps his head lowered when a heavy hand reaches around his shoulders and pulls him forward. When he looks up to see if it's the right person, everything gathering in his eyes rolls down his face and patters on Hatter's lap. Hatter's anxiety-stricken face suddenly softens.

"Hare, are you okay?" He asks without really realizing the answer is obvious.

"Oh, Hatter! I never meant to do this to you! I never meant to ruin your life when I.. I.. I... all I ever wanted was for you to know how much I.. I.." He chokes on the words and buries his face into his shirt. Hatter locks his arm tightly around him.

"Oh, Hare! It okay! Well actually, it's not okay, and it is your fault, but I... I _love_ you! We're going to get through this, like we always do, and Rabbit's wrong! He's a godamn prick and he's not getting anywhere the baby!"

"You really mean it?!"

"Yes!"

"Oh, Hatterrr!! But what about the nursery?! What do we _paint it_?!"

"I said coral, remember?!"

"Ohhh! Yes! Coral! I remember now! Oh my Goddd, it's going to be beautiful!"

"We're having a babyyy!!" Hatter bawls, his mouth falling so far down it looks like he's got eight chins.

"**I love you SO MUCHHHH**!" Hare screams like he's in pain. Alice looks on confusedly as they start to grope each other and kiss sloppily. They continue, even as the turns of the car sway them in each direction, including into Alice. She and Dum meet eyes and silently agree never to speak of this again after that night.


	10. Chapter 10

**AUTHOR'S NOTE  
**The final installment of this fanfic. :D Prepare to be a little thrown off. ;)

* * *

**He's Having My Baby  
****Part 10**

Eventually the alternating sounds of labor pain-induced cries and pleasured moans coming from the backseat became a bit too awkward for the other three passengers, so Dum flipped through the radio frequencies before settling on an adult contemporary station. The Peaches & Herb classic "Reunited" filled the car and the irony was not lost on anyone. Despite the easy-going tempo of the music, the tension grew as Hatter's vocalized agony increased.

"Can't you get there any faster?" Alice asked.

"Not if you want to get pulled over!"

"But you were driving recklessly before!" Alice pointed out.

"Yeah, but this is the city, Alice," Dum responded as if that explained everything. Alice rolled her eyes and sat back in a huff.

Dee took a moment to look in his rear view mirror. "Shit," he muttered. "You have got to be fucking kidding me." Alice turned around and saw a strange looking car with "Wonderland Police" emblazoned on the side.

"Oh, no."

Seeing as they were already on the street, Dee continued a ways before pulling into the Wonderland Hospital Emergency parking lot and parking in front of the entrance. The group sat with the interior light on, darting their eyes between each other (although Hatter was leaning into Hare still moaning), until a police woman approached the driver's window and Dee rolled it down. "...Is there a problem, officer?" She shined a flashlight around before landing it right into Alice's eyes and frowning.

"I would say there is. Yes."

"...Well-"

"Are you aware that you made three illegal turns and were going... 55mph in a 40mph zone?"

Dee thought about it a moment. "Yes, but my friend is kinda sorta in labor, here." Dum nodded a little. Alice and Hare tried to look convincing too.

"W-who exactly is in labor here?"

"I-It's Mr. Hatter, ma'am," Alice piped up.

"Mister?"

"Y-yeah... He went to the doctor and everything. He's pregnant and about to have a baby, and we need to-"

"Okay, so you're pulled over for reckless driving and your only tack is to pretend one of you is pregnant and make an innocent child lie to a police officer. Is that it?"

"But. But-" Hare sputtered.

She opens the back door. Her eyes widen when she takes in a better view of Hatter's growth. "C-Could the "pregnant man" please step out of the car?" Before Hatter could attempt to move, a livid Hare blocks the door.

"What's the point of this?!"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to move aside."

"N-no, I don't think I will. This 'pregnant man', as you so disdainfully refer to him as, needs to get inside that hospital immediately! He's about to give birth to our child!"

"Sir, I'm only going to ask you one more time to move aside."

"No," Hare retorts, petulant and squinty-eyed.

Dee sighs and places his hand against his forehead. "Hare, just do what she says."

"Nooooo," Hare intones even more petulantly. "Just because she's an officer of the law doesn't give her the right to discriminate!"

"Look, Hare, it's real noble of you to want to stand up for your rights and shit, but parking pays by the hour here and the car isn't a fucking set piece for an episode of 'E.R.'" Hare looks ready to snark back when Hatter places a trembling gloved hand on his shoulder; the other clutching his stomach in apparent agony.

"You're being really sweet right now, Hare, and under normal circumstances I might break into song about the magic of friendship or whatever, but right now there is this," he grits his teeth as another wave of pain comes over him, "this cantaloupe-sized thing that wants out and I want to be doped-up to the gills when that happens."

Everyone looks over to the police woman, hoping that this scene of sentimentality has softened her steely bureaucratic heart. No dice. She just taps her foot expectantly. Hare glares at her as he grudgingly sits back for Hatter to get out of the car. "What is she going to do with him anyway?" Alice wonders aloud.

"I don't know how they do things where you're at, Alice, but in Wonderland, cops don't need a reason to pull people over," Dum explained.

"No, that's pretty much what it's like where I live, too."

Hare exhales angrily over the ordeal as the woman looks Hatter up and down. She points to his belly. "Could you lift up your shirt, please?" Hare clenches one of his fists.

"Sure thing, ma'am," Hatter spits. He holds up the end of his button-down and reveals the baby-bump. The police officer is completely stunned.

"Well I know you're not pregnant, but obviously something is seriously wrong with you. It's a good thing you pulled into the hospital."

Hare cranks his head out the car door. "OHHH for God's sake-!" is all he gets out before Alice's hand covers his mouth.

"Yes. We were all just lying about me about to have a baby. I'm really just getting this tumor removed. Now can I please go inside the building?"

"Yes, can you at least let the poor man get his tumor removed and just deal with us?" Dee asks, drained. Her eyes are glued to Hatter's belly at this point.

"...Okay. You can go." Hatter drops his shirt back down.

"Not without me, he's not!" Hare utters, rising out of the car.

"Okay fine. Jesus. Just go! Both of you!"

"And I want Alice to come with us!" Hare added angrily.

"Don't push it."

"I'm not pushing anything! She's the godmother and she ought to come!"

The police woman's brow falls over her eyes.

"Okay, now you guys are just trying to confuse me." Alice gives her a pleading look with her hands clasped together. "Son of a bitch. You three, go into the hospital. You two are staying with me. And don't think you're evading a fine with any of these shenanigans."

Alice and Hare, with Hatter using them for support, bustle towards the automated doors. They head straight for the front desk where a blue-haired bespectacled receptionist sits, talking on the phone. Hare frantically slams his hand on the bell to get her attention. The receptionist places her hand on top of the bell without so much as looking at him. "I know, Mabel, but you know how Winston gets when...Of course, I'll be sure to tell him. By the way, we really appreciate the honeyed ham you sent over last Tuesday. All right, I'll talk to you later, Mabel. Buh-bye." After what seems like an eternity, she hangs up and looks at the mismatched trio for the first time. "May I help you?" She asks uncaringly.

Hare places his hands on the desk's surface. "My lover here is in labor with our baby! It's coming any minute now!"

Unmoved, the receptionist slides a clipboard with enough red tape to wallpaper the Sistine Chapel. "I'll need you to fill these out while you wait over there," she indicates the empty waiting room. Hare stares down at the clipboard and back up at the receptionist.

"I-I don't think you heard me. My lover," he gestures frantically, "is about to give birth. To our baby." Hatter rolls his eyes in between grimaces of pain.

"What else would I be giving birth to?! A fucking antelope?! UGH."

"Please, ma'am. No one else is waiting. Can't we just get Mr. Hatter to a room and fill out the forms there?" Alice asked desperately.

"No," the receptionist shrugs before going back to typing. Realizing God probably just hated them, they sat in a corner near some strategically-placed ficus trees. Hare starts thumbing through the forms, filling it out with a fuzzy purple pen.

"Quick! Hatter: What laundry detergent do you use?" Hare asks seriously after about five minutes. Alice scrunches up her nose.

"Why would they need to know that?"

Hatter manages to grunt out, "You don't know? You're the one that _does _my laundry."

"I-I-I can't remember if I bought the one with Super-Duper-Stain-Termination-Power or not," Hare starts to hyperventilate.

Alice sighs raggedly and runs her hands over her forehead. "Just leave it blank."

Hare remains silent a moment, but then faces a new problem. "Neither of us know your mother's social security number!" Alice leans over Hare's lap.

"This whole page is a bunch of bullshit," she bluntly states. "Skip it." Hare hurriedly works through the rest of the pages when Alice looks over to Hatter and notices he's just sprawled there on the chair, with a hand over his belly and a surprisingly calm face observing the waiting room. "...Hatter?"

"Mmm?"

"Have the contractions subsided?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Hare flips over the last page and pauses when he overhears Hatter.

"I thought the contractions were supposed to get worse."

"Yeah I did too, but.. you know... there's not much around to research about male pregnancy, is there."

"Still. That is a little weird..." Alice trails on.

When Hare's about to reach the front desk, the two important doors swing wide open. It's not Dr. Busby. Hare runsn to him immediately. "Oh thank God you're here." As the unexpected bunny-man nears the anonymous doctor, he clears his path and heads for the vending machine.

"I'm just here to get a Snapple."

Hare begins to flush air out his nostrils again. "WHAT." Another doctor emerges.

"Hello." Hare swishes around to him. "How can I help you three tonight?"

"Yes," he replies nonsensically. "The love of my life is in labor with our first baby."

"Okay. Where is she?"

"_He's_ right there." He points to Hatter.

"Yeah, can I get a wheelchair or something?"

The doctor frowns. "Is this some kind of joke?"

Hare looks about ready to choke a bitch. "Would I be acting like my ass is on fire if it was?!" The doctor stares at Hatter and back at Hare.

"Are you sure you're in the right department? 'Parasites' is on the seventh floor. This is 'Obstetrics'."

"Are you implying that our baby is some sort of parasite?!" Hare seethes. Hatter rolls his eyes.

"Not now, Hare." Hare is about to protest when Hatter gives him a look that says "let me talk to the nice man." Hatter glares at the doctor and pokes at him in the chest. "Listen up, your patronizing schmuck! While you and your colleagues have been roaming around the hospital w-with your fucking Snapple and your thumbs up your ass, I've been in labor. And let me tell you: It sucks. You may be knee deep in placenta day-in and day-out. You may be able to administer an epidural in your sleep. You may have seen more vaginas than a Georgia O'Keeffe museum curator. But you will never appreciate how much being pregnant sucks because of your penis-possession...NESS!"

"But...you have a penis, too," the doctor points out after an incredibly awkward pause.

"Exactly," Hatter replies darkly. The doctor's eyes dart around a bit before returning to Hatter.

"I don't know why, but I believe you. Follow me."

Silently they follow the doctor into a sterile-looking room. The doctor unlocks a cabinet to retrieve a gown for Hatter. "Anything else?" he asks as Hatter makes himself comfortable on the bed. Alice and Hare sit themselves on a couple nearby chairs.

"Yeah. Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs."

The doctor raises an eyebrow. "Um, we don't just give out drugs willy-nilly."

Hatter frowns. "What are you talking about? You're a hospital! You're supposed to be handing out drugs like candy!"

"Sir, it's not about quantity. You see, it's a liability issue, and—"

"No. No. I don't think you get it. I'm a man. And I'm pregnant. Do you have any idea where this baby's going to come out? And how?"

There's a brief pause as the doctor ponders this.

"Demerol or morphine?"

"Whichever's strongest. Actually, do you have any that will just... knock me out, stone-cold? I'm figuring however I give birth to this thing, it's going to trouble me for the rest of my life. I might as well not know."

"Uhhh... Sorry, but we need you to be awake for this so you can follow our directions."

"Damnit-" he curses under his breath. "Can I still get the epidural?"

"Of course." He called a nurse into the room. "Can you administer an epidural for this man?" She peaked in to find Hatter with his legs separated on the bars and covered her eyes.

"Are you sure that's what he needs?"

"No. But do it anyway."

Hare wrung his hands a little. "Hatter, are you sure about this? I've heard about epidurals, and..."

"What's an epidural?" Alice queried.

"Basically they're going to numb the lower half of my body," Hatter explained.

"By using a giant needle and poking it through your spine..." Hare added.

"Wait a minute, I didn't know about that part." Hatter suddenly looked panicky.

"Well how did you think they did it?"

"... Magic wand?" Hare frowned. "Oh God, I don't think I can do this now. I'm terrified of needles! I can't even draw blood without fainting!"

"They're probably going to draw your blood, too, Mr. Hatter..." Alice added. "They need it in case something goes wrong."

"WHAT?!"

He clutched both of Hare's hands and started panting.

"There there, it's okayyyy... We're going to be here the whole way through."

"No no NOOO!!! I should've had it at home! We should've bought a blow-up pool and set it up by the tea table!"

"Hatter, that would've hurt even worse."

Just then the nurse entered, ready to perform. The Doctor turned to Alice with uncertainty.

"Maybe you want to leave the room for this."

Alice nodded with no hesitance and scampered out the door.

"Okay, Mr. Hatter. We need you to lean forward. You can hold on to your... lover... if you want." Hatter and Hare met eyes and Hatter crept forward from the cushioness of the bed. Both were still a moment before Hatter grabbed his partner like he was about to get a leg amputated. He breathed harshly into Hare's shoulder as the back of his gown was cleared.

_"OoghGodDd~"_ He squeaked.

The gel was applied. Before the nurse could do the job, she swiped a slow-motion bead of sweat running down her forehead. Carefully, she lifted the needle. The room was now spinning for Hatter as he clung to his dear friend and already believed he could feel the pain plunging into his back. But quite unexpectedly, he slumped over as a weight between them seemed to plop out of existence. Everybody looked down. His belly was fucking gone.

The ensuing silence rivaled that of a Carrot Top Vegas show. No one knew what to make of Hatter's lack of baby belly, now as flat as a breathed-upon souffle. "Is it out yet?" a drugged-up Hatter managed to slur out. Everyone looked at each other, groping for something to say when Alice walked in.

"Why is it so quiet...in here," Alice trailed off. Perplexed, Hare looked around the hospital bed and under it.

"Where the hell did it go?!" he demanded. He glowered at the doctor.

"It...seems to have disappeared," the doctor stated, as if this wasn't readily apparent.

"But where?!"

"Look, this shit isn't covered in medical school!" the doctor replies defensively. "Perhaps you should have consulted a veternarian! Or a witch doctor!"

"Fuck your medical school and fuck you!" Alice ignores them as she continues to stare at Hatter's deflated belly. Hatter still looked to be out of it. Hare shifted Hatter to lay on the hospital bed and crouched to the floor. "I don't see it!"

"You lost your own child the second it was born?!" Alice exclaimed. "Gosh, maybe Rabbit was right -- maybe you guys weren't supposed to have a child together."

Hare glared at her. "_Excuse me?_ We did not lose our child. We never even saw it come out of Hatter's body!"

"I never even _felt it_ come out of my bodyyy~ And I'm pretty sure I would~~" Hatter pointed out, swaying a finger.

"Holy shit. I never thought I'd see this sort of stuff outside of House," the doctor muttered to himself.

Just as Hare looked about ready to strangle the doctor for answers, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in?"

Tweedle Dum poked his head in, wearing a very grave expression. He opened the door fully and Dee was standing there dangling the Cheshire Cat by his paws. The cat was crossing its arms, even upside down, looking bored. He was also covered in slime.

Alice covered her mouth with her hands.

"Oh no! What happened?"

"We found _this_ familiar face popping in front of our car, out of breath."

"I don't get it." Hare said.

Hatter just looked at it.

"Oh. T-this is just great. As if today couldn't be more of a message that God wants to play a cruel game of Sims with us. Piece-of-shit cat... Can't you see we're busy?!" The cat continued to spin in a slow circle as the group watched on.

"We don't know how to say this, Hatter, but..."

"More bad news, hm? Perfect timing, fellas. I think the morphine-demerol cocktail is starting to wear off," Hatter says in a detached tone.

"Right, well, it looks like a certain little someone has some explaining to do," Dum says bitingly, dropping the goopy feline onto the ground. Hare grits his teeth and grabs his ears in desperation/annoyance.

"We don't have time for that shit! We have a baby to locate!"

"Oh, believe us, Hare: You'll want to be hearing this," Dee assures him. Hare lowers his arms and gawks at the Cheshire Cat. He was reclining on the ground looking bored about the whole situation.

Alice steps forward a bit and gets down to ground level. "Well?" Cheshire Cat finally looks up as if he's just noticed everyone's presence.

"Welllllll, it's nothing really. It's just there is no baby." Hatter suddenly sobers up and sits up like the waking dead.

"I-I think it might be the drugs, but I believe I just heard 'no' and 'baby' in the same sentence. And not in the context that would have been appreciated early on in the shitstorm that has become my life."

Hare gibbers. Alice gasps. The doctor looks on as if he were a member of a trashy talk show audience. Dee and Dum just look perturbed.

"It's a really funny storrrrry, act-u-a-lly. You'll serrriously laugh when I'm finished," the Cheshire Cat continues.

"Please," Hare grounds out. "Do go on. I'd love to learn how our lack of baby is so gosh-darn hilarious. I'm sure it's a fucking laugh riot!"

Realizing one life away from using up all nine, the cat sputters out "Therewasnobabyinyourstomachitwasmeallthetime."

"WAS _NOT_!" Hare shrieked.

"Oh, nice _try_! We went to the fucking doctor, a-hole. He said I was pregnant."

"Well who's your doctor?" The doctor asked, as if it matterered which one.

"...B-Busby I think his name was?" Hare pondered.

"Oh, well... That guy's a dumb-ass. I don't know when you came in to see him, but he was let go of just this past Friday for malpractice, and insubordination, and all sorts of other things doctors are never supposed to do."

"...What?"

"Looook, can you guys go over the details later? I'm trying to get this over with," the Cheshire cat interrupted.

"Listen, cat, I put up with a lot of your shit without so much as wincing. But this is where I put my foot down. You were not inside of Hatter's body!" Hare flailed his arms to help make his point.

"No, I really kind of was."

"Okay, let's say for just a split second that you were." Alice said. "..._Why?_"

"Well, heheh, heheheh..." The cat giggled to himself. Nobody else was even slightly amused. "It all started a few days ago... I was... expecting a friend for lunch and never saw him. After I visited Hatter and learned the 'special' news, I ran into the friend later that night, and what do you know... he had a little... traveling miscalculation."

Everyone's jaw dropped simultaneously.

"After that, it was just all fun and games. Oh, and if you're interested, he was supposed to have taken photos of the baby shower."

Hatter fell back in bed. "This is all the drugs. Allllll drugs. I'm gonna wake up and have my baby in my arms and that demon-feline is going to be gone! _GONE!!!_" He screeched, swishing around under the sheets. Hare tried to contain him. The Cat made popping sounds with its tongue to the group until his eyes landed in Alice, who was petrified, save for her trembling lips.

"H-H-H-How could you ever do something like that?"

"Curiosity killed the-"

"OH SHUT UP." Alice exclaimed. "That's not a funny joke! I mean okay, none of your jokes really turn out that funny, but this one was just plain cruel. You put Hatter through complete hell, and for nothing."

"I know, it was _great._"

Hatter was now tilted inwards on his bed, nearly suffocating himself with the pillow. Hare let go of him and came around the bed, swishing his arms about.

"Out with you, you little bastard! You've caused him enough trouble!" The cat looked almost confused by the bad reception. He shrugs before disappearing once more. "I guess we'll be taking care of that flea bag later," Hare huffs as he sits next to Hatter and puts a comforting arm around him. "Oh, Hatter. I haven't seen you this distraught since they cancelled 'Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman."

Hatter sighs deepy, indeed looking rather dejected. "It's just...I was kind of getting into the whole idea. The pitter-patter of little feet, lying through our teeth about sex, and all that other Kodak-flavored bullshit." Hare rubs his arm sympathetically.

"I know, I know. And I was looking forward to teaching the little tyke about the wonders of fondue."

Hatter smiles fondly. "Its first tea party. Its first unbirthday."Out of seemingly nowhere, bittersweet synth music fills the room. The doctor looks up and around for its source, unable to find one. "How to ride a bike," Hatter sings solemnly.

"How to fly a kite," Hare chimes in.

Alice, usually accommodating when it comes to impromptu song and dance, decides to nip this pity party in the bud. "I know you guys are sad, but...think of it this way! When my brother was born my parents were happy, sure, but they were also miserable beyond belief!" Alice says matter-of-factly. Everyone stares at her blankly. "Yeah! Um..." she trails off before hopping up to some decidedly more cheerful synth music.

"Babies may be bundles of joy~  
Whether it's a girl or boy~  
But there is much to not enjoy~

Your social life they do destroy!"

"Kiss your good night's sleep goodbye~," Dum chimes in. "Prepare yourself, you'll want to die!~"

Pretty soon the hospital staffs joins in.

"Sex life a distant memory!~  
As you descend in Pur-ga-tory!~"

Hatter waves his hands. "Okay, okay. So it might be a good thing that this ended up being a scam. Can't you let us wallow a little? Jesus."

"I wanted a girlll..." Hare whined a little. By then, the whole hospital staff deflated mid-jazzhand and were walking out of the room.

"Well, um... since you're not having a baby, I-I really need to get going. Oh and by the way, you can pick up your bill at the front desk." The doctor gave them all uncomfortable looks and exited as well.

The group stood around.

"...Bill? He didn't even do anything."

"And I got a $500 speeding and violations ticket," Dee added.

"Well, now Hatter, he did give you the drugs..." Hare mentioned.

"I would gladly buy these. I wonder if I can get a prescription of morphine...?"

"You don't need it." Hare snapped.

"Hey, you know what, Hare? In a week, I've lost all of my self-respect and just found out a cat has been inside my body. I can need whatever I want."

"Oh pshhh. Don't you _dare_ go prick-mode on me again. I've done everything for you but wipe your ass. And actually, I did that on Saturday when you were too sore to turn around. I had less self-respect to start with. I'm in the negatives for crying out loud! Now put your pants on!" Hare snarled.

"At least they're kind of back to normal..." Alice tried.

The Tweedles both rose their hands and opened the door, and the three left the bickering couple to find their own way out of the hospital.

* * *

Thank you for taking the time to read this story. If you'd like to read more AIW fanfictions written by me and/or the cowriter of this fic, Kate, come to my profile.

- Lady Bow


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